Monday, September 13, 2010

Penis Flinging and Other Things Found in the Bible

Warning, this post talks about Penis' of Biblical proportions. If you do not want to hear and/or read about penis and/or are offended by the word penis, then it will be good to stop reading here. 

The Bible is full of penis! It may be taboo to talk about penises' casually today, but the Bible really doesn't hold back--from a woman flinging a part of his son's penis at Moses (what a mom!) to a law about what to do with those wife who grab a man's penis in public! Don't believe me? Read on...

All verses come from the NIV

Okay ladies, does size matter? According to the Bible, it might! Ezekiel 23:19-20 talks about a prostitute who lusted after penis' as big as donkeys whose semen was stronger than a stallion!
Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.


And what about that Penis flinging? In Exodus 4:24-25, the Bible talks about a woman by the name of Zipporah who cut off a piece of her son's foreskin and threw at Moses! That has to make for awkward dinner table conversation, "Mom, do you remember that time when you cut off part of my penis and through it at Moses? That was a real jerk move!"
At a lodging place on the way, the LORD met {Moses} [a] and was about to kill him. But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son's foreskin and touched {Moses'} feet with it.  "Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me," she said.


Now I mean no disrespect to any of you male readers missing penis', but did you know if you accidentally got it cut off, or even if your wife did the cutting (I'm looking at you, John Bobbitt), you cannot enter the temple. That ones in Deuteronomy 23:
No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the LORD.

And then comes one of my favorite penis verses; let's say a guy gets into with another guy; it's getting pretty serious, and the wife, wanting to protect her man, comes to his aide. Only as she's rescuing him, she decides to pull him away by tugging at his penis. What do you do? Cut off her hand, naturally! This little gem is in Deuteronomy 25:11-12
If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.


If you have a favorite Penis Bible verse, feel free to share it with a comment...otherwise, in conclusion: penis, penis, penis!

10 comments:

  1. You gotta check out the Real Old Testament version of Abraham circumcising his servants.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/CurtisHannum#p/u/5/PlIMh_W5Lt4

    In some ways, I guess the Bible isn't nearly as prudish as we are today.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This seriously made my Monday. Thanks, Scott, for the laughs. Fantastic idea for a post.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I just think of this scene from 500 Days of Summer:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=js2nPCsJOzQ

    ReplyDelete
  4. Tonight's youth group lesson? "Penis Flinging, God's Way!"

    ReplyDelete
  5. The hand is to be cut off not if she tugs her husband out of harm's way, by his penis, but rather if she happens to touch the jewel of the assailant. The reason for this is the invariable bond (palpable by the emotionally mature and psychologically sensitive) created between the two, which is a breach between the marital bond. Only the worship of idols or spilling of innocent blood provoke more anger from God than adultery, and this is a lesser form of this breach. A hand is enough to impress upon God's chosen people just how important this bond is to him.

    This was a civil law, applicable only to the Israelite people at that time period so it is not, thankfully, applicable to us today. Were it a moral law, affecting a person's righteousness, we would need to be wary of such contact today. Still, there are some who can attest to the powerful sensation of an affective bond in the inadvertent touch of genitals by a stranger or enemy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Since when does gods "infallible word" need changing or become outdated?
      Try again.

      Delete
    2. The old testament was intended to be outdated because it was meant to be symbolic or limited in scope although we can learn from it.

      People who get offended at passages in the Bible show a lack of genuine relationship with God. Jesus himself said that you can read the Bible and become spiritually dead because it is God's Spirit that gives life not the ordinary letter. I see people who enjoy posts here in that bad state. You need help even if you don't admit it.

      I learnt a lot more with humbly, patiently and honestly asking God questions about passages that disturbs me. In communication, what is said not always what is heard- reason for most misunderstandings- but if you're disturbed and you ask questions you get clarifications. Pride makes you think your perspective is always the right one.

      Delete
    3. Also, full pictures are great ways to overcome idiocies. Paul said the Old Testament was written for our example.

      Can't expect a non-believer to have integrity though.

      Delete
    4. Why would you assume a non-believer has less integrity than a believer? I dont expect you to have a good answet,just your run of the mill Christian bigotry and arrogance. There are more than enough Christians who lack integrity.There are more than enough churches that lack integrity. There are more than enough absurd biblical claims and characters lacking even a grain of integrity. That arrogance, ignorance and lack of empathy is exactly why people hate Christians.

      Delete
    5. Why would you assume a non-believer has less integrity than a believer? I dont expect you to have a good answet,just your run of the mill Christian bigotry and arrogance. There are more than enough Christians who lack integrity.There are more than enough churches that lack integrity. There are more than enough absurd biblical claims and characters lacking even a grain of integrity. That arrogance, ignorance and lack of empathy is exactly why people hate Christians.

      Delete