Monday, September 20, 2010

Other Weird Tales/laws from the Bible

Last week, I wrote about penis. This week, I'll focus on other weird tales and laws of the Bible. Did you know there are 613 Old Testament commandments? And you were expected to follow all of them--obviously, you didn't and that's why you sacrificed things...but still.

So here are some of my personal favorites....

My wife, Diana, has tattoos, so this one is for her. Lucky for her, this is just a "don't do it" command...not a stone her to death one. Leviticus 19:28: "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD."

And speaking of the wife, let's get menstrual; when a woman's Aunt Flow comes to visit, husbands really need to break out the marker and make a note of wherever she sits. She's unclean, and if you sit where she sits, then you just made yourself unclean. Leviticus 15:19-20: "When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening. Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean."

I'll skip the part about how sinful Auntie Flow is, and how a woman really needs to make a sacrifice for her each month. If you are curious, however, point your Bible's in the direction of Leviticus 15:29-30.

Let's talk about sex for a bit, shall we? Guys, let's say your out on the town and happen to lay your eyes on a sweet little virgin. As it turns out, she's not even dating anyone, so you decide to rape her. Rape is serious business in the Bible, so not only do you have to pay the girls father for raping her--you also have to marry her. It's one of those laws that makes you sort of hate Biblical men. Seriously? You rape someone and your punishment is marriage! What gives? Deuteronomy 22:28-29:  If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. [a] He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

Sorry women--not a lot about getting to rape guys, but there is one story just for you about a woman who attempts to rape a guy. Unfortunately, she's the bad one in that story: Genesis 39:1-20

Here's a nice one. Let's say you just watched The Graduate and thought to yourself, "Boy, that guy sure was lucky--he got the mom and the daughter!" Um...Bible says he should be put to death--and not just for bad acting (but awesome soundtrack!).  Leviticus 20:14: If a man marries both a woman and her mother, it is wicked. Both he and they must be burned in the fire, so that no wickedness will be among you.

Men, I don't want you to get your panties in a bunch by saying this, but: what are you doing with panties on? That's sinful! And women, you better not be wearing your man's t-shirt cuz might just detest you. Deuteronomy 22:5:  A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.

And speaking of any clothes with wool and cotton? Or any two fabrics mixed together? Oh, no! Take them off and burn them! Quick! Leviticus 19:19: Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. And while we are on the verse, don't, don't dont, mate two different kinds of animals together! I'm looking at you Liger!

What exactly is someone who believes in the Bible supposed to say of all this wackiness? As a Christian, I get to take the easy way and say Jesus put an end to all these laws by being the ultimate sacrifice. It really makes me appreciate Jesus a little bit more--if not for him, then I'd probably be running around the house with a little chair every time Aunt Flow came just to make sure I didn't get myself dirty. Plus, we'd have to get rid of the Liger!

1 comment:

  1. I've got sweaters that are half cotton and half polyester. Oops, I'm screwed!