Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Mormon Mondays (on Tuesday): Five Famous Mormons

Marie Osmond

Marie Osmond was a member of the ridiculously wholesome family group The Osmonds. As probably the world’s sexiest Mormon, she is responsible for more soiled sacred garments than any other Mormon in history. She had a huge solo hit with her version of “Paper Roses,” and also hosted a variety show with her equally toothy brother Donny. Apparently the country music community had a hard time accepting her due to her faith and her extreme wholesomeness. In a community that worships hardcore drunkards, she was an odd duck. Plus, her faith was different and scary. It wasn’t until she went through a divorce that country music fans decided that she was alright. She was also on Dancing with the Stars, and did a dance where she was dressed up as a doll. Her appearance was so frightening that it would be understandable to imagine her serving a dead rat to Joan Crawford.

Mormon cred status: Questionable

Her first hubby was a BYU baller and they were married in an LDS temple. However, they got divorced, which of course is frowned upon by the saints. She got hitched again to some other guy, also in an LDS temple, and then got divorced again. She also has a lesbian daughter who’s been living with her girlfriend for a few years, and I think we all know the official Mormon position on gays. Therefore, I label her status as questionable, regardless of the millions of bucks her and her family dumped into the church due to tithing.

Mitt Romney

Politician and probably the slimiest man to ever run for president. Mitt was the governor of Massachusetts and in that time passed a health care reform law. He later screamed until his head nearly exploded about the Obama health care reform, which was as similar to his own health care law as Romney’s appearance is to a slick Herman Munster. Romney also rocked the 2002 Winter Olympics when it was sucking up cash like a black hole, and somehow managed to make the event turn a $100 million profit. Romney’s presidential campaign was one of the most pathetic in American history, and every attempt he made to fit in with the GOP status quo made him seem like that obnoxious teen who hangs around with a group that clearly doesn’t like him, even though he says and does things that the group is supposed to like. He’s also known for taking a photo with a black family and saying “who let the dogs out?”

Mormon cred status: Delicious

He was a missionary in France for 30 months, and later expressed his disgust with the country in an attempt to be more likable to the GOP, even though they officially stopped hating France at that time. He also gave several speeches on his faith in order to be more likable to voters who are afraid of Mormons. He is probably one of the most well-known Mormons walking around today, but his sliminess is off-putting to many people. Or maybe just me.

Orson Scott Card

Best known for his Sci Fi novel Ender’s Game, which is supposed to be amazing. That and the sequel Speaker for the Dead won the Hugo Award and Nebula Award, which solidified his status as a geek icon. He wrote the novelization for The Abyss, which is odd because I’ve always assumed that only hacks wrote novelizations, not award-winning authors. He also does an editorial called Uncle Orson Reviews Everything, where he, um, reviews everything. He has used this editorial to smack down J.K. Rowling as being a money-hungry harpie and to celebrate the death of the Star Trek franchise by saying that the only reason why so many people like it is because they are science fiction newbies. He is also a “Democrat” who loved George W. Bush almost as much as Zell Miller and voted for McCain in the ’08 election. Also, he really, really doesn’t like gay people, and thinks that people only become gay when they’ve been abused/molested as a child.

Mormon cred status: Action-packed!

Homie’s a descendant of Brigham Young, graduated from BYU and was a missionary in Brazil. He has also written a decent number of LDS fiction, as well as a ton of works on Mormon scriptures. His Mormon cred is damn-near spotless, except for the fact that he’s one of the judges in the Writers of the Future contest, which is funded by the Church of Scientology. Regardless, the fact that he’s descended from Brigham Young pretty much seals the deal, even though there’s probably half a million people out there descended from Young.

Glenn Beck

Morning zoo shock jock and political commentator. Glenn Beck, while stating numerous times that he’s just an entertainer and doesn’t require people to check his facts, is nevertheless a hugely influential conservative pundit who believes that Barack Obama is forming a secret underground black army, even though he hates both white people and black people. He believes that we are becoming a socialist country, and that he will be assassinated for his beliefs. He has written a bunch of books, and even rewrote Thomas Paine’s classic Common Sense. His TV show was the highest-rated on Fox News, which sounds impressive until you realize that home videos of fathers getting hit in the nuts get double the ratings on other networks. Also, at one time he called the wife of a competitor live on the air of his radio show, and made fun of her for having a miscarriage. All in all, a delightful man.

Mormon cred status: Maybe legit?

Despite all evidence to the contrary, Glenn Beck is sober, and believes that his conversion to the church is what helped. This was after he did a tour of churches, and a friend convinced him to visit his Mormon church. Beck loved what he saw so much, especially how peaceful everyone looked, that he got baptized into the faith and is currently loving it. He even recorded a CD/DVD on his conversion called Unlikely Mormon. In it he remembers how cruel he was in the past, and how he once fired someone for not bringing him a pen. He starts crying as he recounts this, which would have a much larger impact if he didn’t cry about everything, including the time he didn’t get a side of bacon at IHOP.

Belladonna

(This isn’t my blog, and I promised Scott to keep my entries as PG as possible. So here goes)

Belladonna is an adult movie actress, famous for having known many, many, MANY men. She began her career knowing men when she was 18, and her enthusiasm for the job helped her gain popularity. Not only that, but her enthusiasm was also reflected in how extreme her movies got, where she would not only know men, but know a bunch of random objects as well. She later appeared on the ABC news show Primetime where she recounted the horrors of working for the industry. At one point in the show she broke down in tears while discussing a prison scene in one of her movies where she was forced to know a large number of costars at the same time. This resulted in a boom in popularity, with many questionable types becoming instant fans. It was later discovered that the above-mentioned prison scene was actually her idea. She retired briefly, but as any dedicated actor knows, it’s hard to stay out of the business you love. She is also a big fan of yoga, which explains A LOT.

Mormon cred status: Cha-ching!

She lived briefly in Utah and was apparently raised as a Mormon. I have no idea how deep and hardcore her faith was/is, because the information available online is scant. She mainly uses it as a way to discuss her early life, and the idea of a sweet, wholesome Mormon girl becoming part of this business is a selling point almost on par with her crying on TV. I’d write more, but my research on this entry is distracting me and I think I need to take a break for a few minutes.

3 comments:

  1. Thank goodness you skipped Harry Reid, Steven Covey and Stephanie Meyer.

    But what about Torah Bright?

    Murdock

    ReplyDelete
  2. "she is responsible for more soiled sacred garments than any other Mormon in history."

    Bigot.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Seriously Roland, I am sure that you are not a bigot, but that was worse than just crude. Give some thought to what might cause real offense to you if you were a Mormon.

    Maybe just a little less "Distubed" and a just a little more "Christian."

    Anyway, my wife is the world's sexiest Mormon.

    Murdock

    ReplyDelete