Monday, February 1, 2010

ChurchTunes: An Interview With Steve Jobs

A few years back, I wrote a faux interview with Steve Jobs for The Wittenburg Door. For one reason or another, it never made it in the magazine, and I forgot about it. Last week, when Steve Jobs introduced the iPad, it made me start thinking about that fake interview, and I found the old draft still in my email. It's as relevant today as it was two or three years ago when I originally wrote it, so I'm posting it below. Enjoy!


Steve Jobs has made a business selling computers, music, and videos; now he's out to sell church, and he tells us about it in this interview.

What can you tell us about Apples new project that's codenamed "ChurchTunes"?
It's revolutionary and full of the energy, style and glitter that makes all Apple projects the envy of all your friends and neighbors.

But what exactly is it?
It's my masterpiece. I call it "God in a box."

God in a Box?
Exactly! Now ask how it came about!

Okay, how did it come about?
Well I was sitting in our conference room sort of bummed out. I mean where do you go from iPod Video? What's left to do? My people saw I was bummed out so they say to me, "Stevie why the gloom face-iPod sales are through the roof and you have it all." And then it hit me. I didn't have it all. I thought back to when I was a little kid and my mom said to me, "Only God has
it all," and it came to me--I needed to control God. Then I'd be happy.

How exactly do you control God?
I don't control God--not that I haven't tried--he's simply can't be bought. What we do instead is give people the idea that God is in the box, and all they need is the box to be happy.

So are you selling an idea or a product?
All good products are both ideas and products. ChurchTunes will essentially be a one stop device for all things tranquility. Not only will it play any song, from rock to rap, tranquilly, it also convert all of your home videos and photos to peaceful settings. You may have thirty minutes of video of  your son kicking the cat and screaming at the top of his lungs; when you play it back on ChurchTunes it will look like a waterfall.

And peaceful scenes and songs is all people will need to be happy?
Of course not. That's why we're still selling iPods and iMacs.

How will you convince people that this church in a box is better than the place of worship they currently attend?
Well first of all most people don't attend church on a regular basis, and second we have something churches will never have-we have marketers. Commercialism is a vice more powerful than any church.

Do you fear a backlash--that perhaps people will say you're trying to control too much?
I'm not doing this for power. Let's be perfectly honest here--I'm doing it for the money and nothing else.

Okay, fine. Let's get back to the actual product. You say it will give the illusion that there is harmony?
Not the illusion. It actually converts.

It seems a bit manipulative. You're making people happy by creating a peace that didn't exist before?
Isn't that what churches do? They make people happy by showing them something they didn't see before? I'm simply putting commercialism in religion. Is that so bad?

It kind of is. What other religion is out there for profit?
Scientology for one.

Pretty sure they don't consider themselves a religion. Perhaps we should get back to your own well being. What makes Steve Jobs happy? Is this a product you would use to obtain happiness?
Making investors happy is what makes Steve Jobs happy.

So what's next? Assuming this does well, where do you go from there?
There will of course be a series of versions with increased capacity, followed by several versions that are as thin as a pencil. After that the skies the limited. Ultimately, I'd really like to see a version that distorts all reality, so there are no bad thoughts.

Kind of like an imagery world?
We need to get out of this 'imagery' way of thinking. It's real-all of it. It's not a false reality--it's an enhanced reality.

Can there really be a world where there is no bad? We have to experience bad to know what good is don't we?
But we have experienced bad, so now we can experience good. The whole point of living is to find away to create a positive universe. And get me more money.

Speaking of money, how much will this new gadget cost?
That there is the real beauty of this! We're establishing the Apple Corporation as a religion, and when you buy ChurchTunes it will be considered a charitable contribution.

I pretty sure that's illegal?
Not when your Steve Jobs! When your Steve Jobs nothing is illegal!

1 comment:

  1. Since everything Apple does is 'I' focused (and I find that very telling), perhaps your product could be called iGod.

    In many ways, I think Apple corp is already a religion--the way people bow to worship the latest products. Kinda sickening, actually.

    Good satire.