Pirate's of the Caribbean Commentary Track, with Jerry Falwell, Tim LaHaye, and Pat Robertson
Originally published in the September/October 2005 (Issue #201) of The Wittenburg Door (http://archives.wittenburgdoor.com/archives/pirates.html)
FALWELL: Cool beans! Fog. That's a creepy way to start a movie.
LAHAYE: It's very end times-ish. Not bad for a secular film.
ROBERTSON: I heard that one of the assistants to the Director of Photography was a Christian.
FALWELL: That sounds like gossip.
LAHAYE: I agree with Jer on that one ... we better stick to facts.
ROBERTSON: (Snickers) Oh, like you stuck with "the facts" in the Left Behind books...
FALWELL: That song she's singing is very enchanting.
ROBERTSON: I think it's too scary for children under 12. Teens could handle it though—if they're with their parents, of course.
FALWELL: Of course.
ROBERTSON: I never let my children listen to songs with words. Except for John Denver.
FALWELL: John Denver was a very good singer. Of course, he's burning in hell.
LAHAYE: Of course.
ROBERTSON: You know I'm not too sure about this film. It almost seems like that girl is thinking positively about pirates.
LAHAYE: Kids are so wicked today. It's a sign that the end is near.
FALWELL: If it wasn't for those queer little Teletubbies, our kids would be a lot better off.
ROBERTSON: Oh brother—here comes another one of Jer's Telly rants.
LAHAYE: Both of you shut your traps and let's watch the movie.
FALWELL: I'm just saying that kids were a lot less wicked when we didn't have those freaky little puppet fags singing to them.
LAHAYE: And I say drop it. Let's watch the movie.
ROBERTSON: Oh my—now that's definitely not good!
LAHAYE: What? What'd I miss? Darn it Falwell, you made me miss something.
ROBERTSON: That girl—the one that acts like a demon—she just stole the demon necklace that guy was wearing that they pulled out of the water.
FALWELL: They pulled someone from the water?
ROBERTSON: For Pete's sake Jer, keep up—you're so impossible to watch a movie with!
LAHAYE: She definitely stole it all right. Stealing is so wrong. A lot of people don't know that it is, but it is.
FALWELL: This movie reminds me of The Shaggy Dog.
ROBERTSON: The Shaggy Dog?!
FALWELL: You know about the girl who goes to Vegas and becomes a stripper?
FALWELL: That's the one. I thought it was The Shaggy Dog.
ROBERTSON: You saw Showgirls?
FALWELL: I had to be able to tell my congregation why it was evil to see it.
LAHAYE: Why didn't you just say it was a porno?
FALWELL: I guess I just didn't.
LAHAYE: Oh no, this looks scandalous. That girl's in bed.
ROBERTSON: Relax, she's fully covered.
LAHAYE: Well, I hardly think we should be imagining any girl but our wives in pajamas.
FALWELL: He's got you there, Patty-boy.
ROBERTSON: I'm not even listening to you. I can't believe you saw Showgirls.
LAHAYE: You know, the girl's dad is wearing a really nice wig.
FALWELL: I had a wig like that once. I read a passage in the Bible that I misinterpreted as saying only bald men will go to heaven, so I cut off all my hair. Then I wore that kind of wig when I figured out that hair was okay with God.
LAHAYE: I can't believe they're showing the girl putting on her dress. Scandalous!
FALWELL: It looks innocent to me.
ROBERTSON: Compared to Showgirls I'm sure it is.
LAHAYE: I suppose since they're not showing anything it's okay for married couples to see. It's better than her prancing around in those pajamas.
ROBERTSON: And it is one of those nice Victorian dresses.
FALWELL: I sure wish women still wore those.
LAHAYE: Now they walk around half-naked in their tight jeans and loose fitting t-shirts. It's a sign of the end. Not that I look at them, of course.
FALWELL : (Giggles) Of course.
ROBERTSON: My son told me a lot of this movie is taken straight from the ride. I'm not seeing it, though.
FALWELL: Ride? There's a ride about this?
LAHAYE: At Disneyland—surely even you must have known.
FALWELL: Disneyland? Do you mean to say that this is a Disney movie?
ROBERTSON: Didn't you see the logo at the start of the movie?
FALWELL: I was making the popcorn. Why didn't you tell me? I can't watch this. I'm supposed to be boycotting Disney movies.
LAHAYE: Roberston and I were talking about that while you were popping the kernels. We thought you lifted the boycott to focus more attention on homosexual awareness of Spongebob.
FALWELL: I did no such thing, and I can watch no more of this.
ROBERTSON: Hey Timmy, ain't that the elf guy from Lord of the Rings?
LAHAYE: Like I'd know. That movie was based on a book by a Catholic.
ROBERTSON: A Catholic? I didn't know that.
LAHAYE: How could you not? All fantasy books are written by either Catholics or witches.
ROBERTSON: He's carrying a sword—this must be why it got the PG-13 rating.
LAHAYE: PG-13? I can only watch G or PG.
ROBERTSON: Wasn't Left Behind: The Movie PG-13?
LAHAYE: I watched the censored version.
ROBERTSON: Well, how about if I just tell you to close your eyes during the bad parts?
LAHAYE: I still have ears.
ROBERTSON: How about you cover your eyes, and I'll cover your ears.
LAHAYE: And what if the world ends while you're doing this? God might mistake that as some kind of homosexual ritual and send us both to hell.
ROBERTSON: Point taken. I'll tell you how the rest of the movie turns out.
LAHAYE: I wish I could have at least seen a few pirates.
ROBERTSON: There's pirates in this movie?
LAHAYE: That's what the title says.
ROBERTSON: I'll have no part in that. Pirates are sinners!
LAHAYE: Arrgh, matey! (Snickers.)