Monday, September 21, 2009

The Dan Brown Interview

A few years back, I wrote a faux interview with Dan Brown for the Door Magazine several years ago. It's one of the several interviews included in "Christian Obscenity" (others include that eHarmony guy, Kirk Cameron, Mickey Mouse, and lots more). Since Brown's new book is now out, it seems like no better time than the present to post the interview. Enjoy!

The Man Who Spoiled DaVinci: Interview with Dan Brown

You made Catholics and art critics angry with The DaVinci Code. Your next book will tick off Masons, and, in turn, the power elite. Who's left to pick on?
The animals of Protestants.

Could you explain?
Well, dogs--to be precise. After my next book is published, I'm going to go straight to work on it. It will take place in Mexico City and delve into the brutal world of dog fighting. I believe Christian missionaries started this cultic practice in 102 B.C., and I can prove it if you show me a peso.

How could there be Christian missionaries in 102 B.C.? Christ wasn't even alive yet.
That's part of the conspiracy. Christ only said He died when He did to cover up what He was doing in the year 102 B.C.

Which was?
Training missionaries to go out unto the world and make fighters of dogs.

And all this is proven on a peso?
It is.

What about the peso says this?
I can tell you're intrigued, but I've already said too much. You'll just have to read the book to find out the rest.

And you think dogs will be the ones upset?
Their owners, too--but mostly the dogs. This is where Christians send their dogs when they get old. So naturally the dogs will be mad at their owners.

But it's only the dogs of Protestants?
Yes, of course.

So if Christ was the one who started all of this, then why didn't Catholics or Orthodox believers adopt the practice? They were around long before Protestants.
No, Protestants were around first. They just kept quiet and worked on training dogs. While all those other groups were trying to decide how to make Jesus more likable and marketable, Protestants were busy working on His true message.

Your last book said Jesus married and had kids--not exactly something that other people haven't claimed--but this seems sort of out of the blue. Where did you do the research?
Online. You wouldn't believe how much stuff is on the Internet that you can't find in libraries.

If you can't find it in libraries, then how did it make it online? Where did they get the information from?
It was passed down to them verbally.

So for hundreds of years people passed this crucial information down verbally just waiting for the Internet to be invented?

Why not put it in a book?
That's not how Protestants work. They knew it would be better to spread their message online, so they decided to wait.

And the only proof you have of all this is the peso?
I have lots of other proof. For instance, a dog has two eyes and two ears, which, if you cut them off, you can make a cross with it. Coincidence? I think not. And have you ever seen a dog wag its tail? Christ did the same thing when he waved at people. He trained their tails to do that as a sign.

And is this something all Protestants know, or just missionaries?
It used to be all of them, but the ultra-secret Council of Dog Fight Trainers decided that it would be best to adopt the same doctrine of other major religions for marketing purposes. No one wants to join a church that believes in dog fighting.

Um, didn't you say that Protestants send their dogs there when they're old? They must know something is up.
Absolutely not. Pastors tell them to give them their old dogs, then they in turn send them to their main headquarters, and then headquarters sends them to the dog-fighting trainers. But no one except the dog-fighting trainer missionaries know what's really going on. They just send the dogs there because that's what they've been told.

I've never had a pastor tell me this.
They say it hypnotically--they don't even know they're saying it. And if you ever take your dog in to the vet to put it down, that vet is owned by the church. You just don't know it. Until now.

So why do they still have dog fighting? Why hasn't it got phased out over all these years? There are certainly more profitable things for missionaries to do.
Dog fighting is one of the most profitable organizations out there. They own all kinds of companies. Microsoft, Intel, Ford Motors, Sony--all owned by the dog fighting organization. Isn't it at all odd that all those companies have dog names?

Actually none of those sound like dog names.
In English no, but in Dog Language they all translate to pet names. Microsoft in dog means Fido, for instance.

Don't you get tired of making people mad? Don't you want to write a fluffy book just once to see what it is like?
Most people enjoy the books--they're not mad. They're entertained and they've learned something.

But they've learned something that's not true.
But it is true.

Then why is it placed in fiction?
Because bookstores are run by Christians, and they won't admit their lies.

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