Friday, June 5, 2009

What's in Your Bible?

The big thing nowadays is specialized Bibles. Depending on your area of expertise, there is a Bible tailored just for that.

For example, many churches are now interested in environmental issues, so there is a Green Bible. According to their website, the Green Bible includes verses that speak about taking care of creation highlighted in green; essays by Brian McLaren, N. T. Wright, and Bishop Desmund Tutu; and recycled paper and soy-based ink.

When Wendell Berry wrote about conservationism as a sacred duty, I don't think he was referring to a "green Bible."

For the hardcore nationalist in your family, there's The American Patriot's Bible. According to the product description, "This extremely unique Bible shows how the history of the United States connects the people and events of the Bible to our lives in a modern world. The story of the United States is wonderfully woven into the teachings of the Bible and includes a beautiful full-color family record section, memorable images from our nation's history and hundreds of enlightening articles which complement the New King James Version Bible text."

Which is interesting, because many of America's founding fathers--Thomas Paine, James Madison, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson--were Deists.

And then there are Biblezines, which are Bibles designed the look like magazines. These are for teenagers who hate books but love Cosmopolitan and Seventeen.

So you see, the Bible can be presented in ways that anyone can read it, so there is no excuse. But why stop there? Here are some other ways you can specialize the Bible:

-The Stoner Bible. Made entirely out of hemp, and all the verses that mention the world "herb" are highlighted in green. Also includes psychedelic illustrations from the Book of Revelation ('cause we all know John had to be on something!).

-The Feminist Bible. Not only is God a woman, but so are Moses, Jesus, Abraham, and all the other major characters. Satan is still a guy, though.

-The Lolcat Bible. The entire Bible told through pictures of cute cats with bad grammar. "Let thur be lite, and it wuz gud."

-The Samuel L. Jackson Audio Bible. Narrated by Jackson. Frequent use of the word "motherf***er," though.

Any other suggestions?


  1. where can i get my hands on the Lolcat Bible? and does it depict pictures of kittens dressed up as Jesus?

  2. Actually there isn't an Lolcat Bible yet. But if the people at I Can Has Cheeseburger are reading this, let's talk business!

  3. Actually there is.

    I think there should be a Bible written in script format. It would make it easier to understand for film students like myself and make film adaptations a lot easier.

  4. This is amazing! Thanks for sharing!!

  5. Be careful where you get your information Travis. Thomas Paine was a deist and a proponent of secularism. His vision for the revolution was to throw off authority of the old order and establish humanistic government. His pamphlet enflamed popular sentiment, but he is not a founding father.

    Benjamin Franklin at times seem pious and at others was very worldly and decadent.

    The other men were Christian, especially George Washington. Here's a quote form his person prayer journal dated 1752:

    “O Most Glorious God, in Jesus Christ, my merciful and loving Father; I acknowledge and confess my guilt in the weak and imperfect performance of the duties of this day. I have called on Thee for pardon and forgiveness of my sins, but so coldly and carelessly that my prayers are become my sin, and they stand in need of pardon.”
    “ I have sinned against heaven and before Thee in thought, word, and deed. I have contemned Thy majesty and holy laws. I have likewise sinned by omitting what I ought to have done and committing what I ought not. I have rebelled against the light, despising Thy mercies and judgment, and broken my vows and promise. I have neglected the better things. My iniquities are multiplied and my sins are very great. I confess them, O Lord, with shame and sorrow, detestation and loathing and desire to be vile in my own eyes as I have rendered myself vile in Thine. I humbly beseech Thee to be merciful to me in the free pardon of my sins for the sake of Thy dear Son and only Savior Jesus Christ who came to call not the righteous, but sinners to repentance. Thou gavest Thy Son to die for me.”

    "Make me to know what is acceptable in Thy sight, and therein to delight, open the eyes of my understanding, and help me thoroughly to examine myself concerning my knowledge, faith, and repentance, increase my faith, and direct me to the true object, Jesus Christ the Way, the Truth, and the Life, ..."

    Also from a record of standing orders at Valley Forge:

    "The General hopes and trusts that every officer and man, will endeavor so to live, and act, as becomes a Christian Soldier defending the dearest Rights and Liberties of his country." July 9, 1776

    Thomas Jefferson was a man with his feet in both channels so to speak. A dedicated Christian as well as a man influenced by rationalism.

    “I have always said and always will say that the studious perusal of the Sacred Volume will make better citizens, better fathers, better husbands... the Bible makes the best people in the world."

    The Library of Congress was founded upon the collection he gave to it. I have perused it as it is a featured attraction of the museum. He held at least 20 copies of the Word in Greek and Latin as well as many commentaries. His world express his views the best I think:

    "My views- - - are the result of a lifetime of inquiry and reflection, and very different from the anti-Christian imputed to me by those who know nothing of my opinions. To the corruptions of Christianity I am, indeed, opposed; but not to the genuine precepts of Jesus himself. I am a Christian in the only sense in which He wished anyone to be; sincerely attached to his doctrines in preference of all others—"
    Thomas Jefferson to Dr. Benjamin Rush On April 21, 1803

    Madison was in the same vein as Jefferson:

    "Before any man can be considered as a member of civil society, he must be considered as a subject of the Governor of the Universe. And to the same Divine Author of every good and perfect gift [James 1:17] we are indebted for all those privileges and advantages, religious as well as civil, which are so richly enjoyed in this favored land."

    My point is not to prove that the U.S. is a Christian nation...We all know that isn't true. What is true though is that at it's inception the Framers brought a worldview that was as throughly Christian as it was grounded in rationalism. Do not be so quick to buy into modern revisionism that wants to divorce all Christianity from our history.

    As for the "focused" bibles...pure greed and exploitation.

  6. David H--Well, I guess great minds think a like!

    Matt--Hmm, interesting. History is often fickle, don't you think?

    I'm still waiting for that Samuel L. Jackson audio Bible!

  7. History is not fickle. The facts of the past are fixed and unalterable. It is those with an agenda and a cause to support who try to rewrite the past to support their ideas in the present. It is men who are fickle, and those who do not search out the history for themselves allow themselves to be deceived.

  8. I don't think a feminist Bible falls into the same category as stoner, lolcat and samuel l. jackson. there are men and women who identify themselves as feminists, who are sincere Christ-followers.

  9. The feminist Bible was actually a joke. I have many feminist friends, and they're not the stereotypical "man-haters." Maybe if I called it The Womyn's Bible, it would make more sense.